kabuki

we try our best at not crying
about how the sun king would eventually kill us all
by poisoning us with our own needs

i may be the first to go
my body giving out because i am weaker than most
in the mind sometimes i am not alone

there is an alchemy that i
will never know about, because someone who should've loved me
never spoke about it

---

i'm sick of lying around, but that's what i'm supposed to be doing. dying sucks.

le tournee du chat noir

i loved you, so i drew
the tides of man into my hands
& wrote my will across the sky
in stars to earn your freedom

be humble, for you are made of the earth
be noble, for you are made of stars



---
when i was four i knew what death was, in startling clarity, and it was then that i wanted to be endless. press me into a diamond, launch me into space, and i will be forever.

les miserable; you should be familiar -

the sound of waves

midnight comes too early for me
the elephant man in the corner tells me
“eat me,” unfurls his wings in squanderous fashion.
they reach corner to corner of my square room
my square mind lusts after the chains on his wrists

the shaking does not start until the sun starts to set
“time to wake up” mouths the cat
he enunciates better than my American friends
I think of Alice in her wonderland
maybe I am only Wendy Darling
waiting to fuck Peter into adulthood

at four, the shadowmen sidle up behind me
caress the back of my arms, leaving paint trails
only I can see the tar that slides off their hands
and into my eager mouth
the elephant man laughs at me again and again
as I drink and drink and drink

later, I think of hemorrhaging boy-children
then I dream one up, his blood coagulating as it touches air
he is beautiful – crouched next to the elephant man,
feathers pooling at his feet, coughing.
the cat pads over, looking disdainfully at the elephant man
“you should have thought to bring an umbrella,” and
slinks away, paws awash in crimson.

there is no time but now
the cat has returned, key in mouth
the boy bled out hours ago, collapsing in an exhausted heap
in front of the elephant man.
“cricket was a phoenix” the cat spits out.
there is a fourth character.
I try not to look at the teeth as it eats
bones like brittle sugar treats
feathers speckled with blood grazing my face.

--
lovely pic by the lovely ovolon

they say purging is theraputic

the elk in my backyard know better

the owl in the attic clicked his disapproval as I

paraded my love in public

'don't.' warned the goose

noah's ark saw what was coming, the imminent flood

of something - god's wrath, sacrifices in the form of broken little

girls who didn't see clear enough at all

there is plank on the edge of the boat. i will not scream



misery is the brother of numb nothingness. oh bliss bliss bliss, and then a shot of tequila.

work on your cherry smiles and lipstick eyes

back from hibernation.

I wish I had retcon, but I guess compartmentalization will have to suffice. Everything is comfortably numb, and now I'm just waiting for something to start.

for the masses:

a subterfuge for you
everything gone upside in
you will be surprised at the alternating silence
and sound that now resides in me
-
an ultimatum for you
when you saw me i raised my eyes surreptitiously to yours
were you charmed by my benevolence
i lacked the grace one exudes from years of practice
after all, I practiced sciomancy.

the boy who broke my heart never really broke it at all. we just were better at lying to ourselves.

three

omg.

I am shamelessly addicted to techno.

two

I am a crier.

I also wait for phone calls that never come and letters that invariably arrive later than they should.

The water I drink tastes like sugar.